Even before birth, the human being establishes communication with their mother and with the outside world through the development of the senses. Inside the mother's womb is where the first unconscious records begin, and then throughout life. What makes me feel comfortable or uncomfortable? What do I like about these sensations? What do I not like?
Then, two elements arise: the bond and the interaction, which will influence how ideas about oneself are constructed.
The bond is created from the moment the fertilized egg implants in the mother's uterus.
Interaction is created in the way others touch, name, and look at the child. It also has an influence on whether the bonds continue or not. This may or may not give a sense of belonging.
ll of this is recorded in the unconscious through the repetition of that interaction. Also, impactful events remain imprinted and are generally associated with other elements of the environment. Therefore, personality is formed from birth until the age of 12, according to most theories. It is said that 95% of the things we do are from the unconscious. What remains hidden within each person's history.
For the human being to feel that they belong, they develop mechanisms of adaptation or resistance. Adaptation seeks change, while resistance seeks the permanence of something, whether positive or negative.
Example of resistance: If a child is beaten and mistreated, when they grow up, they may seek out abuse or mistreatment to feel that they matter to someone. Therefore, they may tolerate mistreatment in order to belong. Hit me, but don't abandon me.
Ejemplo de adaptación: Si es golpeado y maltratado va a desarrollar compasión por otros, comprensión y ayuda sin embargo seguirá sintiendo dolor. Entonces el dolor se vuelve pulsor.
En ambos casos actuará de manera inconsciente. Lamentablemente aunque desarrolle estas habilidades no habrá sanado dichos eventos. Seguirá sintiendo dolor cada vez que viva un maltrato durante su vida y tratará de defenderse para evitar ser lastimado.
Subrayo esto, porque es en este momento de crisis cuando las personas quieren resolver sus conflictos ya sea reaccionando o tratando de explicar lo que les pasa y la comunicación e interacción se vuelve insostenible y violenta. Es recomendable pedir ayuda a un profesional.
So, it's not what happens, but what is done with what happens.
If one reacts, it is the unconscious, it is the inner wounded child who will defend itself and explain what is happening or why it does what it does. (Sometimes with violence).
For the person to feel understood, they must know that feelings are personal, that their past and the way they have lived what they have lived influences them, and that they are the owner of their decisions. They must understand that the other person also has their own story, and that what they want to explain is not a judgment toward the other person but rather a mark of something they experienced previously, and it is not meant to hurt. External influences affect, but they do not determine.
And I conclude with the 5 levels of communication, starting with the least deep.
- ° Level 1: When talking about things like the weather, fashion, or trends... there is no need to convince or explain, just to communicate something.
- ° Level 2: When talking about others: The aunt said... The teacher did... My brother...
The following levels are more personal:
- ° Level 3: When talking about what is done: I went to the movies, I took the subway, I finished such a task... THE ACTION.
- ° Level 4: When talking about what is thought: Arguments, defenses, judgments, statements, narratives about something... THE THOUGHT.
- ° Level 5: When talking about what is felt: This level is the deepest, and there is no judgment here. People can feel understood. THE FEELING.
To have better bonds and interactions with people, it is necessary to:
1.- Listen to the other person first, understand where they are coming from when they say what they say, do what they do, and feel what they feel.
2.- Observe if what the other person says truly expresses what they feel about what is happening.
3.- Be like a mirror and reflect back the words the other person says about what they feel.
Feeling understood has nothing to do with doing; it has to do with emotions, with feeling. It depends on the knowledge of myself and the ability I have to understand the other in their feelings.
Rocío del Rosario Nieto González
The perception and interpretation of the environment is what triggers emotions.
